


The Expectation and The Memory

by QuokkaFoxtrot



Series: Dead Letter Chorus [11]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Ableism, Confrontations, Formalwear, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Social Anxiety, supportive Hermann
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 17:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuokkaFoxtrot/pseuds/QuokkaFoxtrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you okay?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I just-… Maybe it's time?" Newt says with a shrug, picking at the sheet. "I mean, it's been nearly seven years… Maybe… maybe I could go with you to the next one?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Expectation and The Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Set about 6 months after All You Want Is Wrapped Around You.
> 
> Title from The Threatened One by Jorge Luis Borges but I can't find the translation I know online. [This one](https://articulosparapensar.wordpress.com/2013/03/02/the-threatened-one-jorge-luis-borges/) is close, doesn't have this line, though.
> 
> Posting and chronological orders for the series in the notes [here](http://archiveofourown.org/series/66677).

The Expectation and the Memory

Hermann walks down the hallway in the dark, the streetlight outside guiding his steps until he enters the bedroom and can hang his formal blazer in the closet. Newt's sitting up in bed, reading a book, and he looks up as Hermann toes off his shoes and kicks them under the chair, ignoring the way the patent polish will scuff at the mistreatment.

"Rough night?" Newt asks setting his book to the side to watch Hermann undoing his tie.

"Everyone is an idiot. Donors and benefactors doubly so," Hermann says as he slips his shirt off and hangs it over the back of the chair. He undoes his trousers and they puddle around his ankles in spite of his attempt to catch them. His shoulders slump and he pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing in frustration.

"Leave them and come to bed. You look wiped." Newt says, marking his page and setting the book on the side table before patting Hermann's side of the bed.

"They could have replaced me with a dancing monkey and it wouldn't have made a difference in the slightest," Hermann says as he pulls his undershirt over his head, throwing it towards the hamper, and making his way to ease himself onto the edge of the bed. 

"Dancing monkeys don't have snooty accents that make everything sound kinda classy," Newt says, stretching over to rub the small of Hermann's back as he pulls on his pyjama shirt and starts doing up the buttons.

"Hardly. Americans hear me speak and assume I'm some sort of movie villain. I tell them about my research and all they hear is 'Death ray, laser, _blow up the_ moon'." Hermann pulls his pyjama pants up over his feet and stands to settle them on his hips, doing up the button and flopping back the covers to slide in next to Newt.

"You've been spending too much time with me," Newt says with a laugh, pressing a kiss to Hermann's crown as he slots himself beside Newt and rests his head on his chest. "You'd be surprised how far a swanky accent can go with that crowd; money likes to give money to money. Makes them feel better."

"True enough, I suppose." Hermann grumps as he settles himself and looks up. "And as for the other - I haven't been spending _enough_ time with you." He gives Newt an apologetic kiss and wraps an arm around his middle. "The simulations will be finished and I can move on to analysis soon and I won't have to spend so much time at the office. I'm sorry." He kisses Newt again and sighs. "Also - _thankfully_ \- there won't be another one of these ridiculous balls for months."

"You were only a little bit annoyed at having to go before you left. What happened?" Newt asks and Hermann closes his eyes and lays his head down again.

"Making nice with the ludicrously rich is one thing, dealing with the faculty is another entirely." Hermann sighs and traces his finger over the pattern of the shirt Newt's sleeping in tonight. "They keep trying to... set me up."

"You're being paranoid. Nobody's trying to set you up, Hermann," Newt says, rubbing Hermann's shoulder in a soothing motion.

"I don't mean with nefarious intent. I mean... with their friends... or relatives... or people they've met in coffee shops that they think I might like." 

"Did you tell them you've already got someone you met in a coffee shop that you might like?" Newt asks, squeezing Hermann a little tighter.

"Time and again." Hermann rests his chin on Newt's chest and looks at Newt with almost a pout. "They think I've made you up."

" _Seriously_? They can't have forgotten me that quickly." Newt's jerks his chin back, eyebrows raised in disbelief.

"I haven't told them your name - which probably hasn't helped any." 

"Dude, what the fuck?" Newt smacks Hermann on the shoulder and pulls away, leaving Hermann flailing to hold himself upright. "It's been nearly two years and you haven't told anyone about us?"

"It's not like that, Newton," Hermann says, tired and weary as he rubs a hand over Newt's side in reassurance. "My siblings know, the people I've stayed in touch with from university and my old job know. I haven't been _keeping_ it from anybody. Except at work."

"How do they not already know? Who's your emergency contact?" Newt hasn't settled and he's still glaring at Hermann.

"It was my sister, but last year I changed it to... Chuck," Hermann says with a guilty shrug, turning so he can't see the betrayal in Newt's eyes. "He knows that you're the first person to call if something happens."

"Why isn't it me?" Newt says and he's holding Hermann's hand still, pulling away further.

Hermann's lips are tight as he tries to hold it in, huffing a breath out through his nose as he turns to look at Newt once more. "Because I don't want them to _know_ about my relationship to you, _with_ you. I don't want them to try and co-opt me into their crusade to return their most lucrative investment to the fold. That didn't go well for anybody the first time I tried. I _do not_ want to do it again." Hermann's arm tightens around Newt, fiercely protective, and Newt stops pulling away.

Newt stares at him with wide stunned eyes and then he's moving, arms wrapping around Hermann and pulling him close, kissing the side of his head as he squeezes him tight. "Thank you," Newt breathes in his ear and his arms are so tight around Hermann's neck that for a moment he struggles to breathe.

"You are my priority, Newton. You have been for a long time now," Hermann says, turning his head so he can take a breath, pressing against the side of Newt's face as he sighs into the embrace.

Newt tightens his grip and holds Hermann close for a while, pressing a kiss to Hermann's head before settling back down into the pillow. There's still tension in his frame under Hermann's hands and he looks up, raising a questioning eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just-... Maybe it's time?" Newt says with a shrug, picking at the sheet. "I mean, it's been nearly seven years... Maybe... maybe I could go with you to the next one?"

"I can deal with the- the... _schmoozing_ and my colleagues attempting to foist a relationship on me. You don't need to worry about it," Hermann says rubbing Newt's chest in reassurance.

"I think I might... want to?" Newt says and Hermann can see he's apprehensive. "Dr. Silva and I have been, sort of, talking about... getting closure. With them. And... I want to support you. I feel kind of shitty just sitting here watching you get all dolled up for these things and then just... kissing you goodbye at the door. This is what partners are supposed to do, right? Support each other at work parties? Be the one that you make snide comments to so you stay sane?" Newt takes Hermann's hand and squeezes it. "I want to be your guy and if that means fast-tracking my brain a little, I will."

"You are my 'guy', Newt. You don't need to wear a tux to prove it."

"Oh, well, if I have to wear a tux then it's out of the question," Newt says with a half smile. "How about... we put it out there as an option and see how it goes?"

"That I can accept," Hermann says stretching up to kiss the unsure look off his face. "Are you feeling okay about it?"

"Just convincing myself that it's not happening any time soon," Newt says shrugging a shoulder.

"If and when it does, I will be right there beside you," Hermann threads their fingers together and kisses Newt's knuckles.

"Appreciate it," Newt says and stretches up to press a quick kiss to his lips. "You look so tired right now. Ready to sleep?" Newt's free hand strokes over his hair and Hermann lets his head drop forward.

"Very ready," Hermann says, rubbing his cheek against Newt's chest. "Remind me in future that alcohol consumption is not a good response to boorishness."

"I can't do that. Mostly because the statement is incredibly wrong." There's a smile in Newt's voice and his fingers are in Hermann's hair and he sighs.

"Tell that to my incipient alcoholism." 

"Drama Queen." There's affection in Newt's voice and Hermann lets his arm slide down so he can squeeze him around the middle. "You're staying there tonight?" Newt asks, running a hand over Hermann's shoulder.

"Do you mind?" Hermann responds, letting the drowsiness overtake him as he listens to the low thump of Newt's heart under his ear.

"Course not," Newt says and his chest moves under Hermann's head as he untangles their hands. He can hear the sound of a switch flicking and then it's dark.

"Love you," Hermann murmurs as Newt settles back down.

"Love you, too," Newt says and Hermann falls asleep to the feeling of a hand rubbing over his back, keeping him safe and warm.

—-

**Six Months Later**

"I have no idea how to do this. It's just- It doesn't make sense. It should be simple folding but it just looks like a caffeinated spider tried to make a fancy noose to kill me." Newt walks into the lounge area wearing socks, trousers and tuxedo shirt, staring down at the mangled mess of his bow tie. "Somebody used to do this for me," Newt says with a pout, shoulders slumping.

"I told you _I'd_ do it; it's going to be all rumpled now." Hermann steers Newt to stand by the end of the couch and leans on the arm so he can see the bow tie better. "Why didn't you wait?" He asks as he begins to untangle the mess, fingers working the tight knots until the material begins to slip free.

"I'm ready for this. I am. I just... I wanted to prove I can take care of myself." Newt sighs and Hermann pauses what he's doing to tilt Newt's chin up.

"Being able to tie a bow tie is not a good measure of the ability to take care of yourself," Hermann says, looking Newt in the eye. "More often than not, it proves that you can afford to pay people to do that for you." Hermann gives Newt a pointed look and returns his attention to separating the last of the knots.

"I know. I just don't want you to feel like _you're_ doing everything for me." Newt looks down as Hermann finishes and spreads the tie out over his chest.

"Pick your battles, Newton. We've been over this."

"Yeah, I know... but this literally falls under 'dressing myself'. I mean, come on, I can do _that_." Newt's lips twist and Hermann wraps his hands around the ends of the tie to pull Newt down until they're at eye level.

"You're also perfectly capable of _un_ dressing yourself, yet you have few problems with me helping in _that_ regard." Hermann kisses Newt and can feel the smile against his lips.

"You want to stay in and I'll let you help me out with that now?" Newt asks and even as close as they are, Hermann can see the sparkle in Newt's eyes.

"More than you could possibly imagine," Hermann says, loosening his grip on the tie and pushing Newt back into an upright position. "However, my presence is contractually required. You really don't have to come, though."

"Nonono, I said I would and I'm gonna," Newt says with an emphatic shake of his head. "When's the car getting here?"

"Fifteen minutes or so. Now, I'm not used to doing this on another person, so I can't guarantee it will look at all like it should. Hold still." Hermann adjusts the ends until one is longer than the other and sets about folding everything into place. "Chin up."

"I don't need a pep talk right now, but thanks," Newt says, pulling a face as he frowns at Hermann's fingers on the tie.

"I wasn't giving you one. I can't see what I'm doing," Hermann says and extends a finger to give Newt's chin a gentle prod until it's out of the way.

"Shit, sorry." Newt tilts his head up and Hermann finishes tucking the last piece through and adjusting it until it's mostly straight.

Hermann runs his hands over Newt's chest and shoulders, smoothing the freshly pressed material under his fingers. "Are you absolutely _sure_ you want to do th-"

"Hermann, stop," Newt says putting a hand over Hermann's mouth. "I know you think you're doing the right thing but I don't _want_ an out. Every time you try to give me one I want to take it and just stay here and not have to deal with anything hard or scary or-..." Newt pauses and takes his hand off Hermann's mouth, shifting it down to his shoulder and squeezing. "I want to go. With you. I want to go _with_ you."

"I'm sorry. I'll stop asking," Hermann says, sliding his hands around Newt's middle and pulling him closer to stand between his legs. "I just want you to be okay." Hermann turns his head up and rests his chin on Newt's chest, looking up at him in apology.

"That's not really an option either way," Newt says with a twist of his lips. "We've just gotta remember-"

"Frequent breaks and if it becomes overwhelming, we leave. I wouldn't forget," Hermann says and smiles as Newt leans down to kiss his forehead.

"I should get my jacket and put on shoes."

"Are you going to fix your hair?" Hermann asks, tilting his head to the side.

"The hair is _done_ ," Newt says with an emphatic shake of his head. "I've got the tux and the shiny shoes, the ink is covered. I need some pieces to stay... _me_. If that makes any sense."

"It does," Hermann says loosening his grip and straightening up to let Newt go. "As long as you're happy."

"I'm also wearing my Godzilla boxers." Newt grins.

"You'll have to show me when we get home," Hermann says with a smile and pats Newt on the hip. "Come now; shoes, jacket, do you need anything else?"

"No, I'm good." Newt says and sits at the table to put on his shoes.

Hermann makes his way down the hall and into the bathroom. Slathering some product on his hair, he deftly parts and combs in, smoothing it down until he is every inch the public school boy his father raised him to be. He sets his jaw and stares into the mirror with a defiant glare before heading back out to the lounge and stopping at the table.

"You look so fucking hot right now," Newt says, foot dropping heavily to the floor as he stops tying the laces to stare at Hermann in appreciation.

Hermann blushes and focuses on slipping cash and a credit card into the inner pocket of his jacket. "All I did was brush my hair." 

"Yeah, and now my boyfriend looks like James fricken Bond," Newt says eyeing Hermann up and down. "Can I be your Moneypenny?"

"You can be my Q," Hermann says with a smirk, patting Newt's cheek as he walks to the stairwell. "The car will be here soon. I'll meet you downstairs."

Hermann's waiting by the door when he hears the car horn sound outside and then Newt clattering down the stairs. He waits patiently as Newt locks and relocks the door and comes to stand beside him, jittery and apprehensive.

"It's an _option_ , not necessarily an out," Hermann says in a quiet tone as Newt stares at the door to the street. 

Newt looks up at him and shakes his head. "No, it's not," he says and then he's opening the door and striding towards the car with an air of determination.

Hermann makes sure to stand to the side so Newt can see him locking the door and checking the handle thoroughly before joining Newt in the back seat.

"The Brolin, east entrance," Hermann says as he does up his seatbelt and takes Newt's hand. 

Throughout the journey, he watches Newt out of the corner of his eye, noting the way he grips the door handle and stares down at his lap. He wraps his other hand around the back of Newt's and deliberately starts breathing slowly in and out, loudly enough that Newt will be able to hear it over the sound of the engine. When they arrive, Newt gets out of the car without waiting and stands by the side of the road looking up at the building while Hermann pays the driver and hurries to follow. 

When he makes it to Newt's side, he can hear him muttering under his breath, stepping lightly from toe to toe as though he's ready to run at any second. Hermann takes his hand and Newt squeezes it tightly, looking up at him with wide, anxious eyes.

"How long do we have to stay?" Newt asks in a strained voice.

"As long as you can handle. I am ready to leave whenever you are," Hermann says, rubbing a hand over Newt's back.

"Okay, okay, we can just... go. Whenever. We'll go in for a little while and then we'll... go," Newt says, nodding absently as he looks over his shoulder and leans into Hermann. Satisfied there's no one sneaking up behind them, he looks up at Hermann once more. "You're not going to be mad if we leave early? I know you've told me, just... just tell me again."

"I will not be upset over anything that happens tonight," Hermann says, looking at Newt solemnly. 

Newt frowns and makes a disbelieving noise and Hermann steps to the side and draws him into the shadow of a nearby tree, enveloping him in a strong hug before he can protest.

"Whatever may happen tonight," Hermann says pressing a kiss to the top of Newt's head. "You are my priority. We will go where you want; we will leave when you want. I'll not have you stay anywhere you don't want to be."

Newt buries his face in Hermann's chest, murmuring _okay, okay, okay_ over and over until he pushes back, gives Hermann a determined look and says "Okay? Okay." He takes Hermann's hand in a deathgrip, sets his shoulders and strides towards the path, pulling Hermann behind.

"Newton, slow down," Hermann calls, stumbling as he tries to keep up with Newt's pace.

Newt stops and gives Hermann a guilty look. "Sorry, I just-"

"I know you just," Hermann says, giving Newt's hand a squeeze. "You will be fine."

"I'll be fine," Newt says, though he doesn't sound like he agrees. He repeats it to himself under his breath as they make their way up the stairs and through the doors into the ballroom.

People are milling about under glittering chandeliers, as penguin-suited waitstaff glide through the gaps serving drinks and hors d'oeuvres. A string quartet is plays in the corner to ensure that no lull in conversation is filled with silence. 

"Holy shit," Newt breathes, coming to an abrupt stop and gripping Hermann's hand tighter. "I knew... I knew there'd be people but... but that's a lot- a _lot_ of people."

"We can keep to the edges," Hermann reassures him, rubbing his thumb over the back of Newt's hand to ground him and remind him he's there. "The important thing to remember is that none of them are looking specifically at you."

"That one is," Newt says, dropping slightly behind Hermann

"Dr. Gottlieb!" A grey-haired man calls as he makes his way towards them. "Glad you could make it; there are some guests here with a very specific interest in donating a very large sum to furthering man's knowledge in the realm of physics."

"Ah, Dean Underton," Hermann says, plastering on a smile. "I shall do my very best to persuade them that it is _our_ institution that can do that most effectively."

"See that you do, Hermann. Rumor has it you're undertaking some _very_ interesting research. I'm sure the department could use some bolstering," The Dean says in a jovial tone before looking at Newt. "You usually fly these events solo. Glad to see you've finally found someone worthy of us."

"Hi," Newt says quick and sharp, turning his head and avoiding eye contact.

The Dean frowns at him for a moment. "You look familiar. Have we... Newton Geiszler?"

"I'm not coming back," Newt blurts, leaning away from the conversation and moving further behind Hermann. "I'm here for Hermann. Talk to Hermann. I'm not coming back. Shit shit shit shit..."

Hermann wraps a tight arm around Newt, turning him towards his body in one smooth motion so Newt can't see the Dean anymore. 

"He's quite happy in his current position and would appreciate it if you did not turn this into a headhunting opportunity," Hermann says in a firm voice as he smoothes a hand down Newt's back in comfort.

"There will always be a position open for you, Dr. Geiszler, should you wish to return to us," The Dean says, frowning slightly at the way Newt's swearing into Hermann's collar. "It's good to see you, though I wish it were a case of you coming back to us. I'm sure you and Hermann make a formidable pair."

"Indeed, we do," Hermann says with a tight smile. "This is all a touch overwhelming. If you'll excuse us." Hermann inclines his head to the Dean and guides Newt to a quiet corner.

"I'm sorry," Newt mumbles, facing the wall and fidgeting with his cuffs.

"Not at all," Hermann says tilting his head up and giving him a gentle smile. "This is just the first break. We'll take as many as you need."

"Why did the first person we spoke to have to be the Dean?" Newt asks in a miserable voice. "I couldn't have made a bigger ass of myself." His cufflink pops out and he swears as he tries to get it back in.

Hermann lays his hands over top of Newt's and calmly sets it to right. "You did not make an ass of yourself," he says and squeezes Newt's hand. "You were firm in expressing your wishes. The dismount might have been a little wobbly, but you will lose no points from me."

"Why did I even think I could do this? I'm so dumb." Newt shoves his hands in his pockets and hunches in on himself.

"You _are_ doing this," Hermann points out, gesturing to the room behind them. "You're _here_ and you're doing admirably. You met the dragon at the beginning of the story and you're still standing. You're my dashing, gallant knight, saving me from the endless drudgery of obligatory conversation."

The side of Newt's mouth tilts up in a smile as he looks up at Hermann. "You're not mad?"

"I'm not mad," Hermann says, shaking his head and wrapping his arm back around Newt, hoping the comfort Newt's getting from the touch is anywhere near as much as Hermann is, himself. "He would have spent the next ten minutes pointing out who in the room had the most money to throw around, and congratulating himself on how well he's doing. You saved me."

"So, you're like the princess?" Newt says, leaning into Hermann enough that Hermann can feel the tension begin to leave his body.

"If it makes you happy to think of me that way, then, yes," Hermann says with an indulgent smile and gives Newt a kiss on the forehead. "Do you feel up to moving on? There's a bar a short walk away..."

"I can't drink," Newt says giving an emphatic shake of his head. "Not with the meds. But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it..."

"They serve water, too," Hermann says, rubbing Newt's back. "It'll give you something to do with your hands."

Newt looks over his shoulder and takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he works himself up. "Yeah, okay. Okay, we can move."

They turn and walk along the side of the room, Hermann keeping his arm around Newt and murmuring potshots about some of the guests into his ear to see him smile. Reaching the bar, Hermann orders for them and Newt drums his fingers on the polished wood, looking over his shoulder, eyes darting around and taking everything in.

The next few conversations they have are much more subdued. Hermann simply introduces Newt and steers the conversation toward his own research. He tries to keep himself aware of Newt at all times throughout the conversations, excusing them whenever he feels Newt start to tense and fidget. He guides them to quiet alcoves and waits patiently until Newt's ready to continue, murmuring assurances all the while.

"Hermann!" A voice calls as they're making their way back through the room. "How good of you to come along and do some of the heavy lifting. The department won't fund itself, after all."

"Fabian," Hermann sniffs, eyes shuttering as he recognises the voice. "I do what I can. It's generous of you to contribute your skills to the event; these spaces can be so hard to heat, thank you for all the hot air you've so charitably donated."

"Come now, Dr. Gottlieb. We're all friends here... in front of these generous benefactors."

Hermann looks to Newt to see how he's faring, but he only manages to take in a confused frown before Newt's being addressed.

"Dr. Geiszler? Is that you? I didn't know you were eligible for day release."

"That's enough, Fowler," Hermann says in a sharp tone, placing himself between Fowler and Newt.

"Holy shit! _You're_ Fowler?!" Newt says, eyes going wide as he points.

"We've met before, Dr. Geiszler. Many times, in fact," Fowler says with a disdainful look.

"Yeah, I know. I just didn't know you had a _name_ ," Newt says in disbelief. "You were always just that whiny blowhard trying to steal funds from other departments."

"I was not _stealing funds_ ," Fowler huffs, pulling down the front of his jacket as he straightens and looks down at Newt. "I was arguing for reallocation-"

"Pfft, you were always 'blah blah foundations of the universe, blah blah I'm so important, blah blah every other field of study is worthless'," Newt says, shaking slightly as he stares Fowler down. "You tried to argue that my synthetic tissue project was useless. You were fucking convinced we were wasting money and time and you tried to get them to pull the plug."

Fowler sniffs and aims a smug smirk in Newt's direction as he picks at his nails. "Oh, you did quite well pulling that plug yourself. Did you have a nice sojourn at the hospital? Was it restful?"

"That's enough, Fowler. I might have to put up with you being an obsequious little twit on a day-to-day basis, but I _will not_ stand for you _harassing_ my partner. The Dean will be hearing about your behaviour tonight," Hermann sneers, shaking with rage as he tries to keep hold of Newt.

" _No_... _no_ ," Newt says, pulling away from Hermann and shaking his head as his breath picks up. He stumbles back and knocks the elbow of a waiter sending a tray full of glasses shattering to the ground. 

Hermann only has a moment to register Newt's eyes going wide with panic and him stumbling further back, knocking into people before turning and bolting for the door. 

Hermann growls at Fowler, briefly registering an expression of shock, before his attention is solely on Newt. He takes off through the crowd, running as fast as he can to catch up. He ignores the pain in his hip, growing with every thump of his leg, as he bursts onto the balcony and looks around with frantic desperation.

Newt's at the far end, pacing and running his hands through his hair, and as Hermann gets closer he can make out what he's muttering to himself.

"I don't want to crack. _I don't want to crack._ They'll see me. They'll look- They know. They _know_ how much of a fuck up I am. Oh my god, I can't do it. I can't- I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Hermann leans his cane against the rail, takes one of Newt's hands and kisses his knuckles. Wrapping an arm around Newt's back, he pulls him close to his chest and starts to sway, murmuring in Newt's ear. "You're okay, Newton. They're not looking. No one is looking. And even if they were, all they would see is two men, who are very much in love, dancing on a beautiful night. It's okay. There's nobody watching. You're okay."

"He knew. He fucking _knew_. They _all_ know. I don't want to go back to the hospital. Don't send me back to the hospital, Hermann. I don't want to go. Please, I don't want to go. I'm better now. I'm _better_." Newt buries his face in Hermann's chest, hiccupping and shaking and Hermann can feel the tears soaking into his shirt.

"I'm not sending you anywhere, Newton," Hermann says into Newt's hair, kissing the crown and holding him close. "You're staying with me. Do you want to go home?"

Newt's arms tighten around Hermann and he's nodding emphatically. "We don't have to. We can stay a little longer. I'm- It's okay- I know- You can go back in and I'll just- I'll wait out here. Unless- Do you want me in there? I can- I can try-"

"It's okay, Newton," Hermann says pressing a kiss to the top of Newt's head. "I don't want to stay, either. We'll go home. Just you and me."

Hermann pulls back long enough to take his cane and guides Newt slowly along the balcony. He bypasses the main door, shielding Newt from the rubberneckers peering out until they reach a side door that bypasses the main ballroom. Soon, they're standing at the front of the hotel and Hermann's guiding Newt into a taxi. 

He gives the driver their address and then he's pulling Newt to him and holding him close, whispering in his ear that he will keep him safe.

When they arrive, Hermann has Newt inside as fast as he can, locking the door tightly behind them. There's a pain in his heart as he watches Newt relax, gulping in huge lungfuls of air as he pushes through the second door and heads upstairs.

"You need some time?" Hermann asks as he catches up to Newt in the apartment. 

Newt nods, fingers tugging at his tie and making the knot tighter. "I'm sorry. I just- I can't- I need- I've gotta-" His voice is getting more strained and agitated as his attempts to undo the knot make matters worse.

Hermann leans his cane against the wall and places his hands gently over Newt's to still their movement. Raising them to his lips, he presses a soft kiss to his knuckles and then works to loosen and undo the knot.

"Is it too much to ask for a hug before you go?" Hermann asks as he spreads the tail ends of the tie and strokes down Newt's chest.

Newt's wringing his hands and avoiding Hermann's eye and Hermann can see just how much he wants to disappear into the office and close the door and hide until he's feeling calmer. 

Hermann reaches for his cane, intending to let Newt go and do what needs to be done, but then Newt's sliding his arms around Hermann's middle and pressing his forehead against his chest. He hugs him tight, wishing he could somehow give Newt all his strength and calm through osmosis. "Take your time," he says pressing a kiss to Newt's head. "I'll wait for you in bed."

"You don't need to wait up," Newt says with a shake of his head as he steps back. "I don't know how long I'm gonna be and you're probably tired and you don't need to worry. I'm just a little freaked out. It's nothing. I'll be ok-"

"Newton," Hermann says softly to get Newt's attention and stem the flood of excuses. "It was a big night for you. Take as much time as you need. We've both got tomorrow off; there's no need to rush. I'll be waiting when you feel ready to sleep." Hermann cups Newt's cheek and smiles down at him gently before kissing his forehead and making his way down the hall to the bedroom. 

Sitting on the chair by the wardrobe, he loosens his tie and takes his shoes off, listening to the sound of Newt in the office pacing and muttering at a low volume. His heart tightens at the sound and he wishes there was a way that he could go in and soothe him and make everything okay. 

There isn't. He knows this. 

Newt has to work things out on his own and get himself to calm down after an episode - retreating to that windowless room where nobody can see him is the only thing that helps sometimes. 

Hermann strips off and puts on his pyjamas before sitting on the edge of the bed and rooting around in the bedside drawer. He takes a mild painkiller, strong enough to dull the pain and nothing more, and climbs under the blankets to settle in and distract himself with a book as he waits.

He doesn't know how much time has passed - at least three chapters - when he hears a noise at the door and sees Newt peeking around the frame.

Hermann holds out an arm and then Newt's running across the room and curling into his side, holding on tight.

"I'm sorry I'm like this," Newt says through a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry going out is such a hassle and you have to put up with this. I don't wa- I wish... I wish I could be more normal for you."

Hermann brushes his nose through Newt's hair and kisses his forehead as he rubs a hand over Newt's back in slow, comforting circles. "I am so proud of you," he murmurs, resting his cheek against Newt's head. "You came out and you supported me and I got to show you off to everyone. You were 'my guy' tonight. But, do you know what?"

Newt shakes his head, fingers playing with the buttons on Hermann's pyjama top.

"You're my guy _every_ night," Hermann wraps his arms around Newt and holds him close. "Knowing I get to come home to you - here, where you're happy and comfortable - makes my days easier to bear."

"I'm not always happy," Newt mumbles, rubbing his face against Hermann's chest in agitation.

"I know. But you feel safe here, and that's a form of happiness, is it not?" Newt shrugs and Hermann's hand resumes its slow rub. "Thank you."

"What for? I just embarrassed you and made a scene," Newt says and Hermann can feel his brow furrowing against his chest.

"For coming out tonight. For being so willing to try. For giving Fowler a piece of your mind. For pushing through even though it terrified you," Hermann says. Newt shakes his head but Hermann cuts him off before he can speak. "For being the man I fell in love with."

Newt's arm tightens around Hermann and he buries his face in Hermann's chest. "I'm still sorry," he says in a tired, worn out voice and Hermann sighs and presses his lips to the top of Newt's head.

"If an apology were required, I would accept it without hesitation," he says with a sigh. "Right now, I'll only accept your need to say it."

He feels the way Newt tenses as he bites back another apology and presses another kiss to the top of his head, letting the room fall into silence. Continuing to rub Newt's back, he feels him begin to relax; breath slowing and grip loosening on Hermann's side. 

"Newt," Hermann says after a while and waits for the questioning sound Newt makes before continuing. "I love you. Never forget that."

Newt turns his head and kisses the middle of Hermann's chest. "I try not to," he murmurs, looking up at Hermann through his eyelashes. "I just... I don't want to spend all my life in here. I wanna be out there with you."

"I know and maybe one day you will," Hermann says, reaching up to stroke his fingers through Newt's hair. "But, you should know - and it's important to me that you remember this - I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am with you. It may not be the life either of us imagined, but I like it. Our life. I like our home and the cafe and coming home to you every day. I like watching you at work and I like watching you bake; I love how much joy you find in a new recipe or a new blend. I like what you've built - the home you've made, not only here but in this _community_. And I love that you've let me in; that you trust me in your safe haven and... and that you've let me make it my own, too." 

Newt turns his head, resting his chin on Hermann's chest as he looks up at him with wide, sad eyes, and Hermann's hand slips down until he's stroking Newt's cheek with his thumb, fingers curling into the short hair behind his ear. Hermann rubs the pads of his fingers against the grain as he smiles down at Newt, warmth infusing his chest as he looks at the man he loves.

"Tonight was, perhaps, not the best venue for your... _debut_ , so to speak. There were so many factors colluding to hit you in your soft spots that I don't think there was any configuration which would have you coming out unscathed," Hermann says with a regretful twist of his lips. "It's not a good indicator of what every trip out would be like, and you shouldn't treat it as such."

"I wanna believe you, man, really," Newt says with a sigh. "It's just so big in my head right now. All I can see is the mistakes I made and how I freaked out in front of everyone and- and- how are you not _mad_ at me? I broke those glasses and pushed people and when you go to work you're going to be the dude with the whackjob for a boyfriend. I've _ruined_ your reputation. How are you so fucking calm about that? How are you just fucking _hugging_ me and- god, no, no, stop, I've fucked everything up, you've gotta- no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, fuck, I'm sorry."

Newt's scrambling backwards and shaking his head and Hermann has to push himself up and lurch over to catch him before he can make it out of the bed.

"Newton, _Newt_ , stop! Stop!" Hermann's grasping Newt's wrists and Newt's staring at him, head shaking as apologies fall from his lips in a low whine. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. I shouldn't have- You're okay. Newton, look at me. Breathe with me. You're okay. Everything's okay. In... and out. In... and out. _Open your eyes_. _Look at me_. You're with me now. You're okay. Keep breathing. Keep looking at me." Hermann lets go of one of Newt's wrists and cradles the side of his head in his hand to keep Newt's eyes directed at him.

It takes a while, but eventually Newt's breathing evens out and he's swallowing and nodding and starting to apologise again and Hermann cuts him off before he can escalate.

"You didn't ruin anything, Newton," he says pressing his forehead to Newt's, both in solidarity and so Newt can see him clearly. "My reputation? The one you think is in tatters? It's not. To them, I'm a- a cranky robot in ill-fitting clothes; I'm numbers and publications in top tier journals. All you've done? The very _worst_ that you could possibly have done? Is made me human. You're proof that there is someone in the world I care about; someone in the world who can make me _run_ across a room to keep them safe; that I will _protect_ with everything that I have, and everything that I am. They're not going to say anything. They're not going to _consider_ saying anything. And if they do they can-... they can _kiss my pasty white arse_ because it's not going to make a _lick_ of difference to me."

Newt looks at him with uncomprehending, dewy eyes, and Hermann's so close to him that Newt's blurry around the edges, but he can hear Newt hiccup and see his lips turn up in a tentative, fragile smile. He lets out a slow breath and then he's leaning into Hermann and closing his eyes.

"Do you need to go back to the office?" Hermann asks in a soft tone but Newt shakes his head, sliding down until he's resting on Hermann's shoulders and his arms are wrapped tight around his middle.

"I'm sorry I keep doing this to you," Newt says in a cracking voice and Hermann can feel him trembling in his arms.

"If I could take away your fear, I would," Hermann says, letting Newt lean against him. "Failing that, I will hold you close and keep you safe. That is a promise I can make."

"I'm so tired of feeling this way," Newt says into Hermann's neck, breath puffing warm and damp over his skin. "It's so... _old_. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop."

"You must be exhausted," Hermann says, pressing his lips to Newt's hair and splaying a hand across his back.

"I'm so tired," Newt says in a small voice. "I'm _so_ tired and everything hurts and... and I can't get my brain to stop. I can't make it stop. I want it to _stop_ , Hermann."

"I know you do, dear heart," Hermann says, breaking a little at how delicate Newt feels in his arms. "What can I do to help?"

"Talk to me? Don't-" Newt cuts himself off, taking a deep breath before continuing in a whisper. "Don't let my brain get me."

Hermann's arms tighten around him involuntarily, squeezing as though he might be able to draw Newt inside himself and protect him with his own flesh and bones.

"I'm sorry. I'm too much- It's too much. You don't have to," Newt says suddenly and Hermann smoothes a hand over the back of Newt's head and kisses the nearest places he can reach.

"You're not too much," he says, and pulls away as far as he dares - enough to see Newt's face and no more. "A story isn't too much. Come - lie down and get comfortable."

He leans back to rest against the pillows, drawing Newt with him until he's cradled on his chest. Smoothing the quilt over them, he tucks it in around Newt's body as far as he can reach, before leaning to the side to turn off the light.

"Leave it on? Please?" Newt asks, reaching out to still Hermann's hand on the switch. "I need... I need to know the world has... edges. That there's something between me and it and- I'm a giant baby, don't w- No, turn it off, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Hermann says and settles back in, taking Newt's hand and raising it to his lips to press a kiss to his knuckles. "We'll sleep with it on." 

He threads their fingers together as Newt mumbles his thanks, and sighs as he tries to think of something to tell Newt that will be suitably distracting. Gently stroking Newt's hair, he begins to talk.

"When I was a child, around five or six, only a few years after we'd left Germany, we lived in a big, old house surrounded by fields just outside a small village. It was large and creaky and smelled odd when it rained. It was home, though. I was a fairly timid child, always clutching at the hem of Bastien's shorts with my thumb in my mouth whenever father and mumm- _mother_ had guests. But when alone, oh, the fun I had." He kisses Newt's head and smiles at the memory. "I'd almost always be found in one of the far fields, reenacting dogfights in my trusty fighter plane - by which I mean, running around with my arms out making silly noises - or pretending to shoot at the cows in someone else's paddock."

As he speaks, he feels Newt relax against him, breath slowing as his fingers loosen their grip on his pyjama shirt.

"Sometimes I'd steal away in the middle of the night," he continues as Newt rubs his face against Hermann's chest. "I'd wait until my parents had gone to bed and creep out of the house with only my blanket, my little flashlight, and a book of constellations. I'd sit in a cold, frosty field and look up; trying to work out which ones I could see without a telescope. Perseus, Cassiopeia, Virgo... I'd mark the ones I spotted with a neat tick. Sometimes I'd fall asleep out there and Dieterich would come find me and carry me home. The aftermath was always much less enjoyable, but those night skies... I remember them vividly."

He feels Newt's breath even out, body going heavy and lax against his, but he continues talking until he hears the first snuffling snore that confirms he's completely out. He stills his hand and listens to him breathe, leaves the light on as he closes his eyes to follow. 

In his mind, he drafts the letter he will send to the Dean concerning Fowler's behaviour, and assures himself that he will keep Newt safe, no matter the cost.

And when it comes to pass that action is taken against Fowler, perhaps Newt will see that, too.


End file.
